


The Anatomy of a Rescue

by thestarwar



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Force-Sensitive Finn, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-30
Updated: 2017-12-30
Packaged: 2019-02-24 07:36:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,584
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13209012
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thestarwar/pseuds/thestarwar
Summary: in a million lifetimes, finn would find poe and save him.or: when The Millennium Falcon needs repairs, the Resistance makes an emergency stop at Echo Base on Hoth.





	The Anatomy of a Rescue

**Author's Note:**

> What started out as a cuddling for warmth on Hoth scenario turned into a twenty page slow burn.

_“What happens after I've saved you?”_  
_“I save you right back.”_

  
“I'm so sorry,” Finn said.

His voice sounded small against the howling winds of Hoth, but it didn’t matter. No one was there to hear him anyways. He stumbled in the snow, piled high to his knees, and panted from exhaustion. Between the frigid subzero temperatures and the harsh winds throwing him around like a ragdoll, Finn knew he would never make it. He squinted through the blizzard as though he would see some miracle or savior. Nothing was there.

He fell to his knees in defeat and reached up to fumble in his jacket, feeling his fingers enclose around a chain dangling from his neck. He gripped it tight.

“I’m so sorry,” Finn said again. His teeth chattered as he spoke. “I’m so sorry I couldn’t give you this. I’m so sorry. You deserved this win, and I failed, and it’s not fair!” He felt tears on his cheeks.

“You deserved this,” he whispered to the surrounding white wasteland. “I wanted to give you something. You’ve already given me so much—a name, a family, a home—and I’m sorry I couldn’t give you this.”

The snow was like a soft pillow. Finn couldn’t remember laying down, but he was, and he was comfortable. As a stormtrooper, he had known how easy it was to be gunned down, but he never realized how easy it was to die. Just like falling asleep. This would be easy. This would be the easiest thing he’s ever done.

He closed his eyes and pressed the ring to his lips, still muttering to it, “I’m so sorry, Poe. I’m so sorry I couldn’t give you this. I tried so hard. A-and I know I’m no hero; I d-did terrible things for a t-t-terrible organization, b-but I tried. I tried so hard. I just hope you can forgive me, a-and I hope I can see you again.” He forced out a breathy chuckle, “M-maybe in another life, huh, pal? M-maybe…. If there is an afterlife, I hope we can meet again there. I kn-know I’m not a good person, but gods, I loved you, Poe, and I’m so sorry….”

Finn closed his eyes, still muttering nonsensically to the chained ring around his neck.

This wasn’t so bad—dying.

  
***

  
Twenty-two. That was the number of Resistance fighters who had survived the evacuation of D’Qar and Battle of Crait. Twenty-two survivors. And they were all crammed into _The Millennium Falcon_. They were a pitiful lot.

And soon they would be twenty-one, Finn thought glumly, his mind wandering to Rose who was laid up in the crew’s quarters, bandaged and under the care of a medic droid. He had wanted to watch over her, but both the droid and Rey had chased him out.

“There’s nothing you can do for her,” Rey said, laying a comforting hand on his shoulder before joining Chewbacca in the cockpit.

But Finn had half the mind to escape back to the crew’s quarters anyway—this time, for selfish reasons. There were too many people in the main hold. Too many and too few. Twenty-two people. They were the remaining members. Finn couldn’t be around them. Every time he looked at them, all he saw were the frightened, exhausted villagers on Jakku who were gunned down by the First Order. All he could see was the loss that followed him around like a disease. But what did he expect? Defected or not, he was a stormtrooper, and stormtroopers didn’t get happy endings.

Finn stood up quickly, ignoring the stars dancing in his vision, and stumbled out of the main deck into an adjoining cargo hold. He just needed to be alone to catch his breath. His vision swam, and he reached out blindly until his hand came into contact with something solid, something sturdy, something…warm?

“Finn….” Poe Dameron’s voice was a breathy whisper in his ear. “Finn, buddy, are you okay?”

Finn found himself being guided to the floor by Poe whom he had mistaken for a wall. He felt Poe’s hands on his back, rubbing in soothing circles, and listened to Poe whispering his name over and over again in his ear. Finn’s name had been whispered into existence by Poe. Finn, himself, felt as though he had not properly existed until Poe’s voice had breathed out his name in that TIE fighter. That was the day he stopped being FN-2187. That was the day he had been born.

“Finn, what’s wrong?” Poe’s voice seemed clearer, almost crisper, to Finn as though he had finally found the right commlink channel. As though the hiss between channels disappeared finally.

Finn couldn’t find his voice. He made a strangled sound in his throat.

“That’s okay,” Poe muttered. One of his hands moved from his back (Finn made a noise that sounded like a protest) before resting on Finn’s cheek. “Don’t talk. Just look at me, buddy.”

Finn nodded and stared at Poe whose dark brows were knitted together in concern. He worked to memorize the lines on Poe’s face and the color of his eyes. Gods…of all the things Finn loved most about being human, it was being able to stare directly at someone’s eyes instead of an emotionless black visor. And Poe Dameron’s eyes were Finn’s favorite. He had never seen so many shades of brown before. He tried to count the different colors in Poe’s eyes, but gave up. Could there even be enough words in the entire galaxy for something like that? Did those words even exist?

Poe would know. Poe had bred Finn into existence from a single word.

Finn found his breaths steadying and became aware of how close he was to Poe. They were kneeling in the middle of the holding deck, one of Poe’s hands cupping his cheek and the other rubbing soothing circles on his back right above the deep scar from Kylo Ren’s lightsaber. He shivered in remembrance.

“What happened?” Poe asked softly.

But Finn shook his head and laid it down, his forehead pressed against Poe’s shoulder. He inhaled deeply. Poe smelled like engine oil with a vague hint of spice, and Finn finally felt grounded.

“I’m okay,” he said.

  
***

  
They didn’t talk about the incident. Instead, Poe threw his Resistance jacket over Finn’s shoulders (Finn thought longingly of the jacket that had been left to the destruction of the First Order Star Destroyer) and left the hold to talk with General Organa.

Finn huddled in the corner, gripping the jacket tight, and desperately racked his memory for a word to describe Poe’s eyes.

He thought of the rolling deserts on Jakku where they had been separated. Of the glasses of cognac in the casino on Canto Bight. Of the labyrinthine tunnels on Crait. Poe’s eyes reminded Finn of rust on X-Wings, the soft earth of Takodana, and the sun sinking below the horizon on Jakku. Everywhere Finn looked in his memories, he could see the brown eyes of Poe Dameron. In fact, if Finn’s life was a painting, it would be the color of Poe’s eyes.

  
***

  
The next person who entered the hold was Rey.

“ _The Falcon_ needs some repairs,” she said. “We took some damage on Crait. There’s an old Rebellion base nearby that we can hunker down at.”

“Where?”

“Echo Base. It’s on Hoth.” Rey knelt down next to Finn. “Are you alright?”

Finn nodded, but he allowed Rey to embrace him. Her scent was comforting. She reminded him of the Jakku desert, of freedom and a new life, of hope.

“You don’t always have to be strong,” Rey said. Finn almost laughed, trying to imagine Phasma hearing those words. You were either a strong stormtrooper, or you were a dead stormtrooper.

Finn felt tears in his eyes, but he furiously blinked them away.

He had failed at being a dead stormtrooper on Crait. Instead, Rose was suffering over his mistake. He couldn’t be a dead stormtrooper, so he had to be a strong one.

“I know,” Finn croaked, but he knew Rey would see through his bullshit. He almost smiled at a memory from a lifetime ago of Han Solo warning him, _“Women always find out the truth.”_

Rey spent the rest of the trip through hyperspace with Finn on the holding deck. She talked to him about Ahch-To and Luke Skywalker and Kylo Ren. BB-8 rolled in a few times to check on the two of them, beeping excitedly to Rey, and even a few porgs fluttered back to where they were. Finn watched as Rey pet the small birds and tickled a few as they flew by her. Finn tried to talk to Rey about his own adventures and about Canto Bight, but his story was so heavily entwined with Rose’s that he eventually gave up (though he had a feeling BB-8 filled Rey in on what happened).

“She kissed me on Crait,” Finn finally said after sitting in silence watching Rey play with a porg that had settled on her shoulder.

“How was it?”

“I didn’t kiss her back,” he said, “and now she’s dying.”

“Rose isn’t dying, Finn."

Finn ignored her. “That was my first kiss. I wonder if it was hers. I should have kissed her back, Rey. That might have been her last kiss.”

“Rose does not need your pity,” Rey said. “She would not want it. Kisses are not favors or apologies or something you owe to someone.”

Finn shrugged. A porg waddled into his lap and he absently stroked it. He closed his eyes. He could almost picture Ahch-To: the verdant green of the island, the sound of the waves crashing on rock, the salty smell of the ocean, the feeling of rain falling from the sky and pattering against the stone huts. He could see nests of porgs and hear them call for each other. He could see a sunset he would never witness, and he watched a man he had never known pass on. Finn wondered if this was what peace felt like.

When he opened his eyes, Rey was staring at him as if she had never seen him before.

Her eyes were filled with scrutiny, and Finn shifted uncomfortably.

He cleared his throat. “So—uh, how do you know so much about kissing?”

Rey’s face turned pink. “Oh. Well, when I would scavenge on Jakku, sometimes I would find old books left behind. Most of them were romance books, but they kept the boredom away.”

“Oh?” Finn’s mouth twisted into a wry smile. “And what did these romance novels say?”

Rey shrugged. “Not much. A lot of blubbering about feelings. Even more kissing. That’s how I know kisses aren’t apologies or favors. They’re… love.”

Finn smiled. He liked that.

Love.

  
***

  
Rey and Chewbacca guided _The Falcon_ down to Hoth. Before the doors were to open, everyone was commanded to bundle up, so the twenty-two survivors (excluding Rose) went to work ransacking the ship for extra clothes or blankets the previous owners might have left on board before Han recovered his ship.

“Your boy looks ridiculous,” Jessika Pava snickered to Finn when he wandered onto the main deck.

He felt his stomach flip at her words, but he pushed the feeling away. Poe was not his boy. Poe was…well, Poe. There were no words in any language to describe Poe, and Finn found he did not need them. (In the back of his mind, he thought of Rey’s word: love.)

“How do I look?” Poe’s voice sounded behind him.

Finn spun around and laughed at the sight of Poe wearing a large and fuzzy blue winter coat. The hood was too big for his head. Despite the echoing laughter of Finn and Jess, Poe beamed.

“You need more layers, too,” Poe told him, his smile replaced with concern.

Finn frowned and looked down at his outfit. His brown trousers and white shirt and Resistance jacket that wasn’t even his to begin with. “I-I don’t have any other clothes.”

“I found some for you.” Poe grabbed Finn’s hand.

Without thinking, Finn laced their fingers together and allowed Poe to lead him through the corridors and into a holding deck where a pile of coats and blankets were stacked atop a crate. Poe's hand was warm, and Finn marveled at how it fit perfectly in his own. This was different from when he had held Rey’s hand on Jakku as they ran for their lives. This wasn’t running. This wasn’t war. This was…well, Finn didn’t have a word for it, but he didn’t need language for this. This was simple. This was Finnandpoe.

Slowly, while Finn was adding Finnandpoe to his lexicon, Poe began piling more layers onto Finn. It felt nice to have someone to take care of him.

  
***

  
Hoth was an even worse planet than Jakku. Instead of sweltering heat, there were cold winds that bit at Finn’s skin and frequent onslaughts of snow that impaired his vision (there hadn’t been enough goggles for everyone, and Finn hadn’t been keen to scarf one up. They reminded him too much of the stormtrooper visors). At least Echo Base provided shelter from the stinging winds and snow, but it wasn’t an ideal base either.

The first day of being on Hoth was spent trying to make Echo Base habitable. They boarded off all the corridors that were not necessary until only the ship hangar, the med bay, the mess hall, and a handful of sleeping quarters were accessible. Snap Wexley led a group outside to find some tauntauns they could use to scavenge around the planet. While Rey and Chewbacca insisted that repairs would take no longer than seven days, the Resistance wanted a backup plan. With so few numbers, they could not afford mistakes. Poe, Jess, and the rest of Black Squadron spent the day fixing up an old generator that would provide some heat to the base. R2-D2 led the repairs in the medbay, and soon the bacta tank was up and running. Finn placed a kiss on Rose’s forehead before she was submerged.

 _I’m sorry_ , the kiss said.

General Leia oversaw the repairs of Echo Base and ran mental checklists on what was needed. She marched through the corridors offering advice and assistance with a familiar black vest hanging off her many layers of clothes.

  
***

  
“And I thought Starkiller Base was cold,” Finn chuckled. He had never known cold like this. Even space, with all its emptiness, had never felt this cold and dreary. It wasn’t like the chill of the frozen tundra from another life. This cold permeated his skin and settled in his bones—no matter how many layers he had on.

He sat on a crate in the hangar handing tools over to Poe who was underneath an old snowspeeder trying to make it operational again. Only his legs were visible. Finn took a bite of a protein bar he had grabbed from the mess hall. He didn’t want to eat in there and face how few survivors were left. Luckily for him, Poe was never one to just sit around and asked Finn for help trying to repair the speeder.

“These can cover more miles than any tauntaun,” Poe said around a mouthful of protein bar.

“Should I be concerned about your preference for engines and robots over living creatures?” asked Finn with a laugh.

BB-8 beeped indignantly and Poe poked his head from underneath the speeder to hiss, “Language!”

Finn pat the tiny droid’s head. “Sorry, BB-8.” He took a final bite of the protein bar and chewed. “You’re better than a tauntaun, anyways.”

Nudging his leg, BB-8 trilled appreciatively before disappearing back under the speeder with Poe. He beeped at Poe until his owner chuckled and slid out from under the snowspeeder, his gaze fixed on Finn.

“Yeah, I know, pal,” Poe muttered to the droid, “I know.”

“What’d he say?”

“Uh….” Poe reached over for a rag to wipe the grease from his fingers. His forehead glistened with sweat. “He told me to stop wasting my time with this bucket of bolts.”

“Rey said we’d only be here a few more days.”

Poe frowned. “And then where do we go? No one’s answered our distress call.” But Finn saw the real concern in his eyes: _no one cares about the Resistance. No one cares about us._

Abandoning the crate, Finn knelt beside Poe just as Poe had done for him in _The Falcon_. He gripped his shoulders tight. “People care, Poe. That’s the most amazing thing being human has taught me. You care and you hope and you dream and you… love.”

Poe gently laid his hand atop of Finn’s on his shoulder and leaned his head against Finn’s other hand, his lips ghosting against Finn's skin. “Sometimes hope is scarce.”

Finn shook his head. He couldn’t believe what Poe was saying. This was the same Poe who had held onto hope during the attack on Starkiller Base. He had held onto hope in the light when the light itself was dying. Staring into Poe’s eyes now, Finn thought he could see what a dying star looked like.

Desperately, he pulled Poe against him and held him. Poe was the last ray of light, and Finn couldn’t let it flicker out.

“Being human has taught me to believe in impossible things.”

“What?!”

As quickly as Finn had pulled their bodies together, Poe tore them apart, holding Finn at arm’s length from him. Scrutiny filled his eyes.

“What do you mean ‘being human?’”

Finn frowned. “Y’know…I’m not a stormtrooper anymo—”

“You’ve always been human,” Poe said so indignantly that, for a split second, Finn believed him.

“Maybe biologically…but I’ve always been, well, a stormtrooper. I never got to be human until…. Until you made me human.”

Poe’s eyes glistened like a storm on the horizon. His voice was soft, though. Tender. “I didn’t make you human, Finn. You did that yourself. You—” He groaned and ran a hand through his hair. “You make choices in life, Finn. We all do. It’s those choices that make us human. Not our circumstances. You made a choice, Finn. You made a choice before we even met. You made a choice to save yourself. To save me!” Poe let out a breathless laugh. “And it’s a choice I hope you’d make again, if you had to.”

 _Of course I would_ , Finn wanted to say _. I would save you over and over. I would save you in a million lifetimes. In every life, I would find you, and I would save you._

But Finn had never been good with words—stormtroopers were not required to be eloquent—so all he could do was wrap an arm around Poe’s neck and pull him close, burying his face in his neck.

“Yes,” he whispered against the other man’s skin.

  
***

  
Leia, Chewbacca, Rey, and the droids remained upon _The Falcon_ during the night. The droids needed the charging ports inside the ship, but they also needed more protection from the cold lest they freeze and stop functioning properly. BB-8 did not want to leave Poe, but the man knelt in front of his droid and muttered to him that he would be okay before petting the droid affectionately and wishing it goodnight (“Happy beeps, buddy. I’ll see you in the morning.”). Everyone else was assigned a roommate to bunk with in the available rooms.

“C’mon, buddy, it’s you and me.” Poe smiled and knocked his shoulder into Finn’s as they fell into step with each other, striding down the winding corridors until they located their room. The scanners beside the door were broken, so they had to push the door in before they could slide it open manually.

The room itself looked like all the other carved caverns in Echo Base: the rounded tunnel roof and the glistening snow walls. Finn would think it beautiful if it wasn’t so unbearably cold. He wrapped his assigned blanket tight around him and shuffled over to one of the two bunks that had been carved into the wall (reminding Finn of the bunks on ships).

Poe looked over at Finn as he climbed into his own bunk. “Good night, Finn.”

“Night, Poe.”

For a bunk carved into ice and fitted with a plastic cover, it wasn’t as cold as Finn had expected. But he found himself unable to sleep. He lay curled in his bed, with his knees tucked under his chin, trying to find some semblance of warmth. He tried to think of the hot Jakku desert, but even that seemed a distant memory. That had been where he shed his exoskeleton—that horrible stormtrooper armor—and was able to be Finn. Not FN-2187. Just Finn.

For a fleeting moment, a tiny sliver of him missed the stormtrooper armor. The uniforms were always temperature regulated. A hyperthermic or a hypothermic stormtrooper was a dead stormtrooper, and a dead stormtrooper was useless to the First Order.

“ _Your purpose in life is to be as efficient and useful as possible to the First Order. Your life is the First Order. The First Order gave you your lives, and that debt of gratitude will be paid_.” Those were some of the first words Captain Phasma had spoken to Finn and his fellow recruits. It had been a long speech about what valuable assets they were to the First Order and how it was her duty to see to it that they were prepared for their duties as stormtroopers. Finn could still hear the speech in his head. “ _We do not want to see harm come to you. Without you, the First Order could not exist.”_

“Finn,” Poe’s voice whispered, forcing Finn out of his memories. He almost hadn’t even heard Poe over the clattering of his own teeth. “Finn, scoot over.”

Without a second’s thought, Finn wriggled closer to the wall of his bunk. He felt the warm body of Poe slide in behind him and toss his blanket over the two of them.

“S’cold,” chattered Finn, almost disappointed that the second blanket didn’t make much difference.

“Turn around.”

Finn did as he was instructed, and he felt Poe’s hands reach for the zipper of his coat. Poe’s eyes were deep and focused while he unzipped Finn’s coat and then his own. Finn’s body trembled. Poe then zipped the two coats together and threw it over the two of them: another blanket.

“Now,” Poe instructed turning around so Finn could no longer study Poe’s eyes and the intensity lived in them, “c’mere.”

Finn scooted over to Poe and carefully gathered him in his arms, as though he would shatter like ice. Poe’s body was like the blazing sun of Jakku, and Finn pulled him flush against him.

“S’okay,” murmured Poe, suddenly grabbing Finn’s hand and snaking it under his own shirt. Finn let Poe guide his own hand to rest against his chest where he felt his heart beat. Poe’s skin was soft beneath Finn’s hand, and the hairs on his chest tickled Finn. Finn pulled Poe closer against him and buried his face in his hair while rubbing small circles in his skin.

“What’s this?” Finn asked, feeling a small circle of metal on a chain nestled against Poe’s skin.

“Was my ma’s,” Poe said softly, “It was her wedding ring.”

“What was she like?” asked Finn. Whispering to Poe helped him forget the cold or maybe it was the heat from Poe’s body or maybe a combination of the two.

“She was great. She was a pilot like me. Taught me everything she knew.”

Finn smiled into Poe’s hair. “Must’ve been a damn good pilot, then.”

“She was. That’s how she met my dad. He was a soldier in the Rebellion. They were both there when the second Death Star exploded over Endor. They helped make that happen. Guess that’s why I left the Republic Navy and joined the Resistance. If my parents, if just two people, could help blow up a Death Star, I thought anything could be possible. If they did that, imagine what I could do to help the Resistance. I could help end this war. I mean… the Republic isn’t doing anything. They’ve too many centrists to throw themselves in the thick of the fight. And I wanted to make a difference. Still do.”

“You are.” Finn ran his thumb along the curve of the ring. “You found the map to Luke Skywalker.”

Poe snorted, “Yeah, and I got myself captured. Almost jeopardized the entire Resistance.”

Finn frowned. “I thought you didn’t tell them anything?”

“I didn’t. But you don’t know how kriffing close I was to giving in, Finn. Especially when Kylo Ren came in and started digging around in my head. I just wanted it to stop, Finn.”

“So why didn’t you talk?”

“Because I knew that was the only thing keeping me alive. Because I knew that wasn’t my call to make, spilling all the Resistance’s secrets. Because a stormtrooper pulled me from the chair and took his helmet off and saved my life.”

Finn let the ring slide from his fingers and ran his hand down Poe’s chest. Poe’s breath hitched as Finn’s hand slid down to his stomach. Finn thought of how fleeting life could be, how Poe could be dead had he not acted in time, and he wanted to map every inch of Poe’s skin. He wanted to remember everything about Poe: the smooth expanse of his skin, the muscles in his abdomen, the hairs around his navel, the…indents? Finn felt a few circular indents in Poe’s skin and tiny areas of raised, mottled flesh.

“What’re these?”

“Uh…gifts.” Poe’s voice sounded strangled. “F-from the First Order.”

Finn wanted to ask if he could see them. Poe had seen his nasty scar on his back from Kylo Ren when he had helped Finn dress right after his voluntary discharge from the medbay. However, it was too cold and too dark. Instead, Finn ran his hand back up to Poe’s chest, fingers ghosting the ring hanging from his neck.

“You’re safe with me,” Finn told him. But that was a lie. Rose had been with him, and now look where she was….

“I know.”

In a few minutes, Poe had fallen asleep as evidenced by the light, breathy snores issuing from him. Finn smiled and laid his hand over Poe’s heart, allowing its beat to lull him to sleep.

  
***

  
Finn woke up laying on his back. He felt stiff and uncomfortable due to the still-healing wound along his spine. He wanted to roll over in a more comfortable position, but there was a soft weight on his chest. Opening his eyes, the first thing he noticed was a mop of black curls tucked under his chin and a snoring pilot wrapped around his torso.

He had a strange urge to kiss the top of Poe’s head. It seemed the right thing to do.

Shaking his head, Finn suppressed that urge. He would have to ask Rey about those books with the kissing in them. He had to ask her if that’s something people did and what it meant. Kisses weren’t apologies or favors, Rey had said, they were love. Were kisses to someone’s head different?

Being human was different than being a stormtrooper. It was a lot more confusing. Poe had told him it was about choices, but Finn didn’t know what choices were his to make anymore.

  
***

  
Finn had to have fallen asleep again because he woke up again alone and cold. He sat up, thumping his head against the top of the bunk, and slid out of bed. His joints felt stiff, and he wondered if there was a fresher somewhere that he could catch a quick rinse.

As a stormtrooper, he was used to everything being clean and sterile. He had lost count of how many times he was punished as a cadet for missing spots during his cleaning duties. The punishments worked, though, because Finn learned to be meticulous in his cleaning and detail-oriented. As a cadet, he was chosen mostly for sanitation duties, and it was those duties that had kept him from combat duties. Life with the Resistance was different. There was dirt and messes and not always time to clean it (an image of Poe with grease smeared across his face flashed across Finn’s mind).

“Morning.”

Finn jumped. Rey was lounging in the other bunk, a leather-bound book in her lap. BB-8 lolled lazily around the floor near her feet.

“H-how…w-when…? Rey?!”

“Leia needed to speak with Commander Dameron about an incoming transmission,” she said, “but no one could find him, so I offered to fetch him.”

“A-and you just sat here watching me sleep?!” Finn didn’t even care about that. She saw them sleeping… _together_. Finn wondered how Poe had reacted to that. Did he tell her anything? If so, what did he say?

“I was reading.” She held up the book. It had a strange, yet familiar, symbol embossed on the cover. “And, besides, he asked me to keep BB-8 company.”

BB-8’s head rolled around to gaze up at Finn, emitting a series of squeals and beeps.

Rey laughed and patted the droid. “Jealousy is unbecoming on you, BB-8.”

Finn frowned, wondering what BB-8 had said.

Rey closed the book she had been reading and stood up. For the first time since meeting her, Finn thought Rey looked uncertain. “Finn, can I ask you something?”

He nodded. What would he even say about Poe? It was cold, and sleeping together had been warmer. But Rey had read all those books, so maybe she knew something about the implications of sleeping together that Finn didn’t.

“Would you train with me?”

“I—what?” Finn stammered.

“Jedi training. I-I have to figure out how to construct a new lightsaber, so nothing like that. W-would you train in the Force with me?”

“I’m not a Jedi,” he said.

 _I’m a stormtrooper_.

“So? Master Luke taught me that the Force is in everything. It’s the energy that binds us all together. It was vanity for the Jedi to claim that as theirs. Everyone can—no—everyone _is_ connected through the Force.”

“I don’t even know what I’m doing,” Finn mumbled.

“Neither do I.” She reached out and grabbed his hand, and suddenly they were on Jakku again, the two of them running toward a new life, toward freedom. “So let’s not know together.”

She was beaming at him just as she done before. Looking at Finn as though she saw something in him that no one else could. Finn wondered if Poe could see it too.

“Okay, Rey. Yes. I’ll train with you.”

She threw her arms around his neck. “Thank you.”

  
***

  
Finn left the mess hall after breakfast. Neither Poe nor Leia had been there, so Finn sat with Rey, and the two discussed training. They would start once they left Hoth. It would take some time for the Resistance to rebuild, Rey had reasoned, so she and Finn could use that time to train with the Force. She also told him about the sacred Jedi texts she had stolen from Ahch-To and the information stored in them. One of the texts included written instructions for building a lightsaber, which was the one Rey had been reading in Finn’s room. They would need access to kyber crystals. Finn’s head reeled at the thought of building a lightsaber.

Yes, he had held one and tried to fight Kylo Ren with a lightsaber. And yes, he felt as comfortable with a melee weapon as with a blaster (he still remembered the way the staff had felt like an extension of his arm when he fought Phasma with it), but this was a sacred weapon of the galaxy’s peacekeepers… and he was a stormtrooper.

 _Choices_. Poe’s words filled his head. He had choices in life. That was part of being human.

Finn entered the ship hangar just in time to see Poe striding down the boarding ramp of _The Millennium Falcon_ followed by Leia, General Ematt, and Connix. Connix nudged Poe in the middle of the conversation the two were having, and his head snapped up, noticing Finn. His face split into a smile, and he began running toward Finn.

Finn thought back to the last time they ran toward each other, and he smiled at the memory. Poe reached him and threw his arms around Finn, one hand curling around his neck and the other around his waist.

“I didn’t lose you in the Jakku desert again, did I?” Finn asked.

Poe laughed and squeezed Finn tighter before releasing him. “Sorry, pal. Couldn’t help it. I’ve got good news: our distress signal’s been answered.”

“Really? By who?”

“An old friend of the Rebel Alliance. Lando Calrissian. He said he could take the Resistance in on Cloud City. Once the ship is repaired, we can get to Bespin.”

Finn smiled. He didn’t even know who Lando Calrissian was, but seeing the way Poe’s eyes lit up was enough to know that things were going to be alright.

General Leia Organa strode up beside the two of them. She gave Poe a pointed look. “I told you not to lose hope, Poe. There’s always light in the dark. And we never fret when the night comes because we know the sun will always rise.” She turned to Finn. “And how’s Rose?”

“The same, ma’am.”

To his surprise, Leia laughed. “Ah, that’s how I know I’m getting ancient. Well, _sir,_ I can promise you this: Rose is a fighter. Her sister, Paige, was too. And the good thing about fighters? We don’t know when to give the hell up.”

  
***

  
By lunch, the news about Lando Calrissian and Bespin had spread through all twenty-two members of the Resistance, and everyone took it upon themselves to fill Finn in on who Lando Calrissian was. Like Poe’s parents, he had helped blow up the second Death Star. He had captained _The Millennium Falcon_ to do it.

While General Leia was right about the sun rising each morning, she had forgotten that the sun also set after each day.

Such was the mood when Rey entered the mess hall, her face a look of defeat. “We lost the thrust vector magnet on our landing,” she announced.

“What?! What does that mean?” Finn asked.

“It means, we can’t move until we find the piece.”

“B-but it could be anywhere!” Finn’s head reeled with possibilities. It could have broken on impact with the surface. A wampa could have destroyed it. The snow could have buried it.

“It’s got to be close,” Poe said, “BB-8’s sensors could probably find it.”

Leia nodded. “You’d have to go now. I don’t want anyone outside this base when night falls.”

Finn felt helpless as he watched everyone flit around him, listening to them shouting orders at each other. Snap ran off to wrangle the tauntauns together. Jessika needed to pack them equipment. Poe needed to find his droid.

He felt a hand on his shoulder. “Finn, buddy, everything alright?”

Finn looked up, purposefully avoiding Poe’s eyes. They had been so close to a victory. Just like that, it was gone. Just like that…. Things happened so quick in life and especially in war.

“Fine,” he choked.

Poe frowned. “We’ll find it, Finn.”

Finn nodded. “J-just…come back, Poe.”

Poe threw an arm around Finn’s neck and pulled him close. It felt like a split second and an eternity.

“Always,” he whispered in his ear before pulling away and running off, calling after BB-8.

The pilot had disappeared completely before Finn felt something cold around his neck. He glanced down to see Shara Bey’s wedding ring dangling from its chain now around his neck.

  
***

  
Finn paced around the mess hall. And the hangar. And his room. And the corridors until, finally, he found himself wandering into the med bay. Rose had been taken from the bacta tank and laid up in the bed. Unfortunately, the med droid had put her into a deep sleep while they were on Hoth, explaining that her body could not heal if it was spending all its energy trying to keep warm. Her bed was piled high with extra blankets and coats, and an oxygen mask was affixed to her face.

Finn couldn’t simply sit beside her bed, so he paced instead.

“We were so close, Rose. So close to getting off this forsaken planet. You thought Canto Bight was bad… you’d hate Hoth, too. It's miserable and cold, but Poe doesn't seem bothered by it.” He forced himself to take a seat near her bed, but his leg bounced in protest. Without thinking, he grabbed her hand. “Poe doesn't seem bothered by much. His eyes are always so bright. You'd like that about him: that he doesn't give up and admit defeat.”

Finn found himself rambling on about Poe. It was nice to talk to someone about the pilot and the way he made Finn feel. “Sometimes, when I’m with him, Rose, I feel like I could take on the whole First Order…just like when we first met, and we commandeered a TIE Fighter together. I saved him, Rose, but sometimes I feel like he saved me too.” He squeezed her hand softly and stood back up. “I’m sorry I couldn’t save you.”

  
***

  
It was nearing dark when, finally, the base’s doors opened, and a group of tauntauns bounded in. Finn had rushed into the hangar with the others when he heard the doors opening. Everyone was holding their breaths. The five tauntauns skidded to a stop, and their riders dismounted. Poe pulled off his goggles and lowered his snow-dusted hood. But his eyes weren’t sunsets along the horizon or the soft earth of Takodana glittering in the sun. They were big and brown and sad. Defeated.

“We didn’t find it.” Poe fell to his knees. Before Finn could even make it to him, Poe was surrounded by Snap and Jess. “We didn’t find it.”

It wasn’t until Snap and Jess had each gotten one of Poe’s arms around his neck that Finn noticed it. Blood. The side of Poe’s head was bleeding.

“Scuffle with a wampa,” Snap said, noticing Finn’s concerned face. “Poe’s been hit by some wampa-like guys in bars, though. The only difference is, this time, his smart mouth had nothing to do with it.”

“Get him to the medbay!” Leia shouted. Cova Nell rushed forward with Connix to lead the tauntauns to the stables. BB-8 chased after Snap and Jess as they escorted Poe to the medbay. He was still muttering to himself, repeating the words “we didn't find it” as though they were a mantra.

Everything around Finn seemed to fade. He saw the retreating backs of Snap, Jess, and Poe. He saw Leia striding after them and C-3PO patting R2-D2 on the head. He could hear Chewbacca and Rey in conversation with each other. None of it seemed to process with him. Finn couldn’t get the image of Poe’s eyes out of his head. They were not the exuberant and passionate eyes Finn was so used to seeing. They were hollow.

  
***

  
General Leia made a point to ban Finn from the medbay. Poe was submerged in the bacta tank, and Rose was unconscious.

“Being there will do nothing but drive you crazy,” she said, “Get some sleep.”

But Finn couldn’t sleep. He tossed and turned. He could feel the absence that Poe had left in the room. It was suffocating. He rolled the ring around in his fingers thinking back to the night he had held Poe in his arms. In the back of his mind, Finn could see the mental map he made of Poe that night with his hands. He could hear the way the other man’s breath hitched when Finn’s hands had travelled from his chest to his stomach. Finn wanted to smile at the memory, but each time his mind drifted to the glassy look in Poe’s eyes when he returned from the search mission.

He thought about choices. About what made you human. He thought about Poe and his eyes and the millions of words for them that Finn could never think of.

“Hope,” he whispered to the ring, “Your eyes are the color of hope.”

The last time Finn saw Poe, his eyes were the color of lost hope, and it made him yearn for a solution. In his mind, he could see it: the thrust vector magnet. It was at the edge of a small ridge not too far from the base. He could see the shiny metal glowing in the light of Hoth’s three moons. He could feel the snow piling atop the object, and he could hear the screams of the nightly winds. It was so close….

Finn knew what he had to do.

He pulled a small flashlight and utility knife from Poe’s pack near his bunk. He took the knife to his blanket, slicing it into long strips, which he fashioned into a scarf and tied the rest of the strips around his jacket and pant cuffs to keep wind and snow out. Keeping a vigilant eye in the corridors, Finn began to tiptoe to the hangar where he could slip out unseen. Part of him yearned to visit Poe in the medbay, but he couldn’t risk getting caught. In his mind, he could see the magnet so clearly, and he couldn’t let this opportunity slip from his fingers. Finn had to do this. For the Resistance. For Poe. For himself.

This was his choice.

He stole between crates and broken snowspeeders to reach a side entrance in the hangar. Casting a final glance back to The Falcon where Rey was, Finn left Echo Base for the freezing white wasteland outside.

The wind was something Finn had never been trained to reckon with. It was like an animal, snarling and biting and clawing at him. Twice, a strong gust knocked him over, and he had to scramble up from the snow.

Still, he trudged on. In his head, he could see the magnet. With every step he took, he could feel himself getting closer and closer to the magnet. This was what it would take to save Poe, to save all of the Resistance.

Finn gave the ring around his neck an encouraging tug. “In every life,” he muttered, “I’d find you, and I’d save you.”

As he stumbled through the snow, he kept murmuring to the ring. It was the only thing he could think to do that would distract him from the cold. His face was numb from the icy winds, and every breath he took through the fabric of his scarf felt as though it were stabbing his lungs. Had he been this cold on Starkiller Base? He couldn’t remember, but he could remember the searing hot pain that whipped across his back from Ren’s lightsaber.

Anger settled in him as he thought of Kylo Ren and the First Order. Of what they had done to the galaxy, to the Resistance, to Rey, and… to him. Finn pushed on with more urgency, realizing that the galaxy would be doomed without the Resistance.

“I get it now,” he panted to Shara Bey’s necklace. “I understand why people sacrifice themselves for the Resistance. I understand why Poe didn’t give those bastards any information. I understand why people die for this.”

His legs felt stiff and weary, and they were so cold Finn wasn’t even sure if he was walking anymore. He couldn’t feel anything. The cold had crept in and settled in his bones. His joints had seized up.

“I-it’s okay,” he chattered. Part of him wished that Poe could hear him, that the ring could bridge a connection between them. “I’d rather die here making this choice than live the rest of my life on my knees for the First Order.”

He closed his eyes. In his mind, he could see the magnet. He was so close, but he wasn’t going to make it.

“I'm so sorry,” Finn said.

His voice sounded small against the howling winds of Hoth, but it didn’t matter. No one was there to hear him anyways. He stumbled in the snow, piled high to his knees, and panted from exhaustion. Between the frigid subzero temperatures and the harsh winds throwing him around like a ragdoll, Finn knew he would never make it. He squinted through the blizzard as though he would see some miracle or savior. Nothing was there.

He fell to his knees in defeat and reached up to fumble in his jacket, feeling his fingers enclose around a chain dangling from his neck. He gripped it tight.

“I’m so sorry,” Finn said again. His teeth chattered as he spoke. “I’m so sorry I couldn’t give you this. I’m so sorry. You deserved this win, and I failed, and it’s not fair!” He felt tears on his cheeks.

“You deserved this,” he whispered to the surrounding white wasteland. “I wanted to give you something. You’ve already given me so much—a name, a family, a home—and I’m sorry I couldn’t give you this.”

The snow was like a soft pillow. Finn couldn’t remember laying down, but he was, and he was comfortable. As a stormtrooper, he had known how easy it was to be gunned down, but he never realized how easy it was to die. Just like falling asleep. This would be easy. This would be the easiest thing he’s ever done.

_I know why people die for freedom._

He closed his eyes and pressed the ring to his lips, still muttering to it, “I’m so sorry, Poe. I’m so sorry I couldn’t give you this. I tried so hard. A-and I know I’m no hero; I d-did terrible things for a t-t-terrible organization, b-but I tried. I tried so hard. I just hope you can forgive me, a-and I hope I can see you again.” He forced out a breathy chuckle, “M-maybe in another life, huh, pal? M-maybe…. If there is an afterlife, I hope we can meet again there. I kn-know I’m not a good person, but gods, I loved you, Poe, and I’m so sorry….”

Finn closed his eyes, still muttering nonsensically to the chained ring around his neck.

This wasn’t so bad—dying.

  
***

  
Finn could see the rolling dunes of Jakku. He saw smoke sizzling from the TIE Fighter that had crashed to the ground. His voice was an echo, calling for Poe—except, everything was different.

Poe was there beside Finn, clapping him on the back and smiling. There were crinkles near his eyes, and his laugh sounded like victory. His eyes swam with the colors of a crashlanding.

Finn couldn’t breathe.

He gasped for air.

“Finn. Finn, buddy, c’mon. Stay with me. Don’t you leave me. That’s an order!”

Poe’s words didn’t make any sense. They were together, standing beside the wreckage on Jakku. They were embracing….

“BB-8, keep an eye on his vitals! We gotta keep him warm.”

Poe kept repeating Finn’s name. Only minutes ago he had breathed that name into existence. Finn felt himself smiling. He liked his new name. He buried FN-2187 in the Jakku desert with the TIE Fighter.

“Finn. Finn. Finn,” Poe repeated his name. But Finn wasn’t sure if he had ever heard Poe’s voice quite like this. It was thick and accompanied by sniffles and low growls of frustration.

“Finn, you’re so stupid.”

“Why would you do something like this, Finn?”

A sob. A whisper. “I’m so scared, BB-8.”

Finn was in the TIE Fighter again. He braced himself for impact.

The fighter collided with the horizon.

The world went black.

  
***

  
The blackness receded. Finn opened his eyes. He was laying on his back; above him was the snow-packed tunnel of Echo Base. Silence surrounded him. Panicking, Finn tried to sit up, but he couldn’t. There was a weight on his chest.

“He was up all night watching over you.”

Finn glanced over to see Rey sitting at a chair by his bedside. He frowned, confused, before glancing down again. Familiar black curls tickled Finn’s chin. _Poe_. His head was tucked into the crook of Finn’s shoulder and an arm thrown around his waist.

“What you did was stupid,” she said.

Somewhere in Finn’s mind, he heard that word being repeated. But everything in his head felt scrambled.

“I’m sorry,” he croaked. Even had he wanted to move, his limbs ached. His entire body ached. At least Poe was warm….

“Why would you run out in the middle of the night like that?” Finn noticed BB-8 near Rey’s chair, nodding along with her words.

“I felt it,” Finn muttered, “I knew where to find the part.”

“Then why did you go alone?” Rey’s eyes swam with urgency and fear, and Finn felt ashamed for causing that.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry I failed.”

“Failed?” Rey shook her head. “No, Finn. Poe found you. He found you near the thrust vector magnet. Finn, how did you find it?”

He shrugged. “I saw it. I could feel it.”

Rey gaped. “The Force! Finn, you used the Force!”

Finn wanted to protest, but he didn’t have the energy to, so he listened to Rey’s triumphant squeals that BB-8 joined in on. He glanced back down at Poe. Even with Rey and BB-8’s celebration, he could hear the soft breathing of the pilot tucked into his side. His own mind was still foggy with the recent events. He could hardly remember his journey outside Hoth base. He certainly didn’t remember any rescue. Yet, he could remember his conversation with Rey on _The Falcon._

“Rey, what did those romance books say about kissing?”

She scrunched her face up in confusion. “Finn, what—”

“I think I want to kiss Poe.”

Rey was grinning when Finn looked up at her again, and he saw BB-8 giving Rey a “thumbs-up” with its butane lighter. Her enthusiasm was short-lived. “I have to tell the General you’re awake.” She leapt up, leaned over to kiss Finn’s forehead, and scurried off. BB-8 raced after her.

Finn sighed and settled back against the pillows.

“So…you want to kiss me, huh?”

Finn jumped and looked down. Poe was staring up at him with his big brown eyes.

“Were you awake the whole time?”

A breathy laugh. “No. Not the whole time.”

He sat up. His hair was a disheveled mess on his head, and there were light shadows underneath his eyes. A bandage lay against his temple where the wampa had struck him.

“How did you find me?” Finn asked.

“I wasn’t in the bacta tank long,” Poe said and shrugged. “Was just a mild concussion. So I snuck back to the room. Was going to surprise you. A-and when you weren’t there…. I had this whole base torn apart looking for you, but you weren’t anywhere. It didn’t take long to realize what you did.” He reached out to grab one of Finn’s hands and held it between his, tracing the lines on his palm while he spoke. “Jess helped me get that snowspeeder working real quick while Rey led a small group on tauntauns to look for you. Good thing we did. Otherwise, I’d have never reached you in time.”

Poe was concentrated on Finn’s hand, and Finn’s own stomach plummeted at the pain still fresh on his face. Bending his head down, Poe planted a kiss on Finn’s hand. “I thought I lost you.”

“You saved me, Poe. You found me.”

“Always,” Poe muttered against Finn’s hand. “I’ll always find you.”

He wanted to lean forward and catch Poe’s lips with his own, but as soon as he found the courage, General Leia Organa was in the room.

“Glad to see you’re well again, Finn,” she said, “But I don’t want you to ever do something that reckless again. We can’t afford any more of those decisions.”

“I’m sorry, General.” Finn tried to sit up to shake her hand or salute her, but Poe gently prodded him back down before he could.

“Poe, take care of him,” she said, giving the man a soft smile, “and between the two of you, don’t come up with another plan that could get either of you killed.”

  
***

  
It didn’t take long for Chewbacca and Rey to reattach the thrust vector magnet, and it took even less time for the Resistance to load up the necessary equipment and supplies onto _The Millennium Falcon._ Poe was salvaging parts from the snowspeeder with BB-8’s help, so Finn boarded The Falcon alone. The porgs were fluttering in the corridors of the ship, and Finn smiled. He was glad to see that they, too, had survived the storm.

“Finn, you dummy!”

Finn froze and turned around. Standing in the main hold was Rose Tico. The color had returned to her face, and so had her smile. She rushed towards him and threw her arms around her neck.

“I heard what you did,” she whispered, “Guess you didn’t learn.”

He released her. “I-I’m sorry, Rose. About Crait. About getting you injured. A-about not kissing you back.”

A faint blush tinged her cheeks. “I didn’t kiss you in that way, Finn. I just wanted you to remember me.”

“Remember you?”

“I thought I was going to die,” she admitted. There was still a big grin on her face, and she laughed. “Believe me, I understand with you and Poe—”

“Me and Poe?”

“Finn, you dummy.” Rose gathered him in her arms again. “That boy looks at you like you like you hung every moon in the galaxy. And…if I’m being honest? You look at him the same way.”

This was what being human was about, then. It was about choices and disasters. It was about hope and despair. It was about love.

  
***

  
Finn was assigned to the crew’s quarters during the journey through hyperspace. He was ordered to rest, so he did. Rey and Rose flitted in and out of the quarters to talk to him, but he found himself sleeping just as much. He was tired. His limbs still felt heavy, and his head still felt scrambled. He wanted a clear mind when he saw Cloud City. An entire city in the clouds….

He awoke to a familiar weight on his chest.

“Didn’t Leia order you to let me rest?” Finn teased.  
Poe rolled over and sat up, straddling Finn. He stared down at Finn with a mischievous smile on his face.

“You’re resting, aren’t you?”

“I guess so.”

Finn felt a warm pit in his stomach expand. It was like the adrenaline rush he had felt crashlanding on Jakku in the TIE Fighter. It was like the swell of happiness when he saw Poe alive on D'Qar. It was like the bliss he had felt holding Poe in his arms on Hoth. It was as though a nest of porgs had settled in his stomach and were fluttering into his chest.

“Well…?” Poe’s voice forced Finn out of his mind, and he almost jumped at how close Poe was. The pilot had thrust his face close to Finn’s. “What was it you were saying in the medbay?”

Without thinking, Finn leaned forward and crashed his lips into Poe’s. Rey had been right: this wasn’t an apology or a favor or a debt to be paid. This was…well, Finn didn’t have a word for it. Somewhere, he kept thinking Finnandpoe. This was it. This was them. This was hope and freedom and love. This was being human.

Poe kissed with the same intensity and passion that he approached everything in life. He held Finn’s face in his hands and explored every inch of his lips. He nibbled and sucked on Finn’s bottom lip before slipping his tongue in his mouth. Finn wasn’t quite sure what to do. He kept his hands on Poe’s waist, running his thumbs over the other man's hipbones, and kissed back eagerly.

“I thought you were going to die,” Poe mumbled against his lips.

“I’m a survivor,” Finn breathed back, catching Poe's bottom lip between his and biting softly. Poe groaned.

Poe peppered kisses along Finn’s jaw. “I thought you were going to die, and I never got to properly tell you.”

Finn couldn’t even think coherently; Poe was sucking a spot below his ear. “Mmm?”

“I love you, Finn.”

Tightening his grip on Poe’s hips, Finn found Poe’s lips again. “I love you, too.”

Finn ran one of his hands under Poe’s shirt and along Poe’s side. He could feel the scars he had mapped on Hoth, and he wanted nothing more than to press his lips to each one. Just like that night on Echo Base, Poe’s breath hitched.

“Finn?”

“Yeah?”

“Let’s take this slow, alright?” With a gentle grip, he tugged Finn’s hand from his side and sat atop Finn, holding his hand. His face was flushed, and his lips were red and swollen _. I did that_ , Finn thought. It was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen.

Finn nodded. He felt dizzy. Looking up at Poe, he noticed the other man staring down at his chest, and Finn remembered.

He reached down and pulled the ring from under his shirt. “Here. This is yours.”

Poe stared down at Finn and smiled. Leaning down, he pressed a kiss to Finn's lips, grinning against them. “Keep it. It suits you.”


End file.
